FRANK TIPS FOR AVOIDING AIRLINE TERRORISM

* If terrorists are attacking, you can turn common items into weapons. One is to take your palm and then curl up your fingers. This makes a "fist" which works well as a cudgel. You can also curl up the inflight magazine and bop terrorists on the head with it. It won't do much damage, but it will be kinda funny. Bop! Bop!

* If you are about to fight a terrorist in hand to hand combat in the aisle, first yell to him, "You're about to experience some major turbulence!" because that will be so cool.

* When fighting a terrorist, the best and most climatic way to finish him off is to open an emergency door and suck him out. Be careful, though, as air pressure imbalance does not distinguish terrorist from decent American; it's neutral like the Swiss

* As in Die Hard and Passenger 57, the best way to avoid the initial terrorist attack is to be in the bathroom. If someone complains about you being in there so long, tell him you're fighting terrorism.

* If the oxygen masks come down, make sure they are dispensing oxygen and not poison. The best way to do this is to use the lighter you took from the shoe bomber. If you apply fire to the mask and it immediately burst into flames, then yes, it was dispensing oxygen.

* Also bring a bomb on board. If terrorists get up and start threatening everyone, you then threatening to blow up the plane if they don't shut up. That will steal their thunder, and they'll probably just sulk and then sit back down


* If the man next to you is named Mohammed, that's a terrorist name; beat him up. If he is named Mo, that could be short for Mohammed; beat him up. If he says his name is Bob, he's probably lying and it's really Mohammed; beat him up. If his name is Sue, make fun of him for having a girl's name; he'll beat you up.

* If you are worried that the people around you are terrorists, immediately alert the stewardess. She can give you booze which will make you much less worried.

* Terrorists plan to modify cameras as stun weapons. If a terrorist tries to take a picture of you, hold up a mirror and deflect it back at him. Stupid terrorist.

* The airline pillows are too small to smother a terrorist. If you need to smother a terrorist, politely ask your flight attendant for a blanket.

* If the guy seated next to you is named Al, watch him with suspicion; that's halfway to Al Qaeda.

* If someone tries to light a fuse on his shoes, that's a sure sign of terrorism. Take away his lighter then hit him on the nose while firmly saying, "No!"

* If someone takes out a boombox, quickly grab it and smash it over the person's head. Even if he wasn't a terrorist, what the hell is he doing with a boombox on a plane flight?

* Terrorists are trying to sneak weapons into children toys. If you see a child on your flight, smash his toys.